i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
