i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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