How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
