Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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