and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
