About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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