Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
