We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
