I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we're making bets on your personal life
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
