We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
