Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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