dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
