omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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