i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
