the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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