I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
