She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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