did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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