This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
