How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Randomize
