I just pynch a tree in the face
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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