if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
