the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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