9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
