I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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