Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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