While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
