it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
