I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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