just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
