I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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