No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
