I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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