Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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