When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
