I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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