he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
