we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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