Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
