I puked a lego.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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