Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
