i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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