Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
