i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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