She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
