i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
