You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I didn't notice because vodka
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
