new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
