So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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