I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
